Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
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Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Botany good plants lately?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Some people were born into their job.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
how it started vs how it ended
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”