IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
This is a sub tweet
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Cha-ching is my safe word
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.