This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
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Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head