My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Mad Max: Furry Road
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.