Have kids, they said
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Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
respect
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary