You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
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I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.