god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
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My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.