A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
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Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.