*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
me doing my best
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.