Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
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Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
No one :
Me when I swimming :
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.