We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
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This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX