[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”