he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
From my Mom
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.