My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
BETRAYAL
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used