“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
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Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.