Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?