I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
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The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
guys I’m going home
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.