Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
I put the hot in psychotic.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
the rocks need my help
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA