“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.