I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
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911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“That’s what” – She
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.