I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
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The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth