As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
You Might Also Like
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”