“What movie?” 🤔
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Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
This could’ve been an email.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am