Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
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Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop