[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
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If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*