Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
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Raisins are grape jerky.
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
awkward
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days