8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
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My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Awesome parenting 😂
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Not today. 😅
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you