A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You Might Also Like
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store