My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
You Might Also Like
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
When I said I liked it rough.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?