Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
fourth time’s the charm
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat