It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
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I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
my nickname in college
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions