Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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when mom throws a party…
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral