can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
Feels
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
I hate when that happens.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.