The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee