*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs