Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
“Wait, let me explain..”