You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
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HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Happy Friday
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”