Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
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Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life