I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
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I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems