This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I’m not proud
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.