[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.