ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
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Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“The Perfect Relationship”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look