I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
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Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*