no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this