I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
You Might Also Like
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
forgive me baja for i have blast
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
🙅🏻
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.