[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”