[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
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Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper