I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
The opposite of goth is stopth.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..