[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
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9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.