8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
💯😂
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.